I feel the need to be eloquent and choose my words carefully, but my mind is a huge jumble of thoughts right now and I can't really focus on one specific thing.
I have become somewhat of a blog stalker, and Amy Wade posted some blogs that she blog-stalks herself this morning. I was late getting back to work because I got so caught up in reading about Angie, Audrey, and their family.
I know who Selah is. I have heard many of their songs. Jason and I will be doing one of their songs (Faithful One) the next time we sing together at church. For those of you who don't know, Selah is a contemporary christian group (who aside from being absolutely awesome!) and Todd Smith happens to be the lead singer. He and his wife Angie, have three children and are currently expecting their fourth. Audrey will be born this Monday, and since Angie was 20 weeks pregnant they were told that Audrey will not survive life once she is born into this world.
And still, despite knowing that the odds are against them, Angie writes:
We are all just doing the best we can, minute-by minute, to love our sweet Audrey well. We talk to her all day long. Sometimes I just take a bath and tell her all about what swimming is like, or what it's like to be on the beach in the hot sun. I tell her about my favorite poets, my favorite memories of childhood, my love for God and for her daddy. The two of us have covered much ground in this sacred dance we call pregnancy. I feel bonded to her in a way I never did with my others, because I know this is all I have. And yet there is so much I can never give her.
And at a time in her life when others in her shoes would be angry or turning their back on a God who would (speaking frankly) "let this happen", Angie simply says that:
I want you all to hear me on this, especially those of you who are in a place of questioning as far as God is concerned. As much as I want to have my Audrey, I am (truthfully) completely at peace allowing Him to have the final say. It isn't because I'm so super-spiritual or because I have a more direct line to God than anyone else. It is because He tells us we can trust Him with our lives, and I simply choose to believe Him.
Please understand that I am in no way dismissing their situation as a struggle or saying they should not trust in God, because He is ultimately the one who is in control....it is just that in reading her blog, I understand what I myself have taken for granted when faced with Angie's story, which will in a sense be Audrey's legacy.
I already mentioned my friend, Jason. Just a few weeks ago, his wife, Wendy, was diagnosed with lymphoma. And I heard her say with my own ears Wednesday night that when she found out, it was as if God spoke to her and said,"Ok,Wendy, this is not about you." And she ultimately feels compelled to use this trial for His glory.
I read daily about the struggles that Rachael deals with in trying to come to terms with Hannah's death last July.
And in reading Rachael's story, I found myself wondering how many things I have taken for granted. How many times I've pushed Gracie aside (not in the literal sense) for other things. My own selfish wants, I guess.
I remember the sheer joy of being pregnant with her. I remember a mix of emotions of terror and joy in spending those first few months at home with her, getting to know her and adjusting to being a new mother. And while Angie speaks of Audrey in the sense that she is already here, it would almost seem as if this is her first child she is about to give birth to on Monday.
I wish that I looked at it that way everyday. I wish that I was always aware of every blessing that God has poured into my life, and could make note of it and be thankful to him for whatever it was.
I looked at Gracie this afternoon with wondering eyes. I don't know when she sprouted legs, but she is so tall it is unreal to me. When did she get taller? I forget and let days pass and then I realize that when she smiles - really smiles - that her little nose crinkles up. She takes big gulps of air when she's talking, like what she is telling you is the most important thing in the world.
She wants you to sit with her. Play with her toys. "Color with me, Mama?"
It is things like this, these little precious moments, that Angie will be robbed of. While she talks to Audrey as she carries her for the next few days before Audrey's birth, I tell Gracie I am "too busy" to sit down and color with her. And one more day goes by that my daughter grows up a little bit more.
And I miss it.
Dear Lord,
I want to thank you for every single blessing you have poured into my life that I have failed in the past to thank you for. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the sweet angel you have brought into my life, who every day is a constant reminder to me of the love you have for us. Help me to not be so quick to dismiss her simple requests for time with Mommy, and help me to appreciate her life and the blessing she is to me through the stories that Angie and Racheal have shared with me and many others.
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