Quiet Thoughts

Please forgive the crappy way this double photo was put together. The one on the left is of Gracie when we took her to have her first "professional" photos done at Wal-mart. I believe she was exactly one month old. The one on the right is a much newer photo. First of all, I'm amazed that her hair has lightened that much and I'm wondering when I first noticed it was changing colors. And I can't remember exactly. I know that some changes in her I don't see because I live with her and stare at her in constant wonder on a daily basis.
I was just visiting Amy's blogand giggling about how much of a blog-stalker she is. Well, I am too! And besides Amy's there are a few others I visit daily. When Amy was talking about Jackson and the wonderful afternoon they spent together Sunday doing basically nothing (which is the best type of afternoon to spend with your child, it make me think of Rachel's blog.

I found Rachel's blog through another website I visit, right after she lost her little girl Hannah in a drowning accident in July. And I can honestly tell you that just reading about the pain and heartache she deals with on a daily basis has been a hard dose of reality for me. It is very hard to read about someone you don't personally know, and have them openly lay out their feelings in words so much so that you want to hold your own children a little closer.

I don't know when Gracie grew up. I mean I know she's not "grown up" yet, but I remember how much she used to depend on me and how totally frustrated I can become now when she doesn't need me so much or even flat out rejects me. There are days I feel like cooking or cleaning the house or just wanting five minutes of peacefulness to myself I am robbing her of five minutes of my time. And I feel extremely guilty about that sometimes.

So when she's not being Miss Independent and she'll let me cuddle and hold her, or I am permitted to sit down in the floor of her room and play with her dolls....that's the wonderful feeling I live for. She talks so much now I wonder where she learned all the words and phrases from. She can sing songs I have never taught her. She has this wild imagination when it comes to her toys, or even her family.

I feel like I'm just rambling about this little baby of mine who is now turning into a "big girl" while I'm trying to rush behind her and keep her from getting too big too fast. Rachel talks alot on her blog about not robbing her daughter, Lily, of things that she kept putting off with Hannah. In my own way, I find myself wanting to delight in the things that Gracie enjoys so that I can remember those moments. Like riding the train at the mall, or singing silly songs in the car. Or letting her help me "cook" in the kitchen (even if there's nothing in the mixing bowl she's stirring with a wooden spoon).

We are not promised tomorrow and while I don't want to spoil her until she's totally rotten, I know that I don't want to regret things we never did because there is never enough time. I mean I blinked ONCE and she's already two. I'm afraid if I blink again she'll be graduating from highschool tomorrow!

Bryan and I have talked alot the past few weeks about his Nanny, who we lost very suddenly in April. I guess sometimes we take for granted how fleeting life is, beating ourselves up about the should-haves and such. I just don't want to let outside things like work and other obligations get in the way of what matters the most.

And I guess I'm being all sentimental because Christmas puts me in that kind of spirit to be thankful for everything in my life. I am blessed!