Reflecting

I had a moment of sheer panic the other afternoon when Gracie and I were home alone. We had come back from being outside, and I usually let her follow in behind me and close the front door. Well this time for some reason I got distracted unloading my things and the door was left open, Gracie nowhere to be found.
I checked her bedroom.
I checked the bathroom.
I called for her several times, to the point that I went into panic screaming for her.
I checked my steps again. I even went down to the end of the driveway. Surely she hadn't gone out into the street.
When I turned back to the house, my heart pounding in my throat, there she was.
Standing in the doorway, looking about as terrified as I felt at that moment.

And in two seconds flat, my thoughts shifted to Rachel. I don't know why, possibly because I am a huge blog-stalker and I keep up with her family on a daily basis. I admire her strength, although she may not see it in herself, to pick up each day and carry on for Brien and Lily.
I love the way she remembers Hannah, or the places she remembers her in (like Bath & Body Works). And somehow, those memories have transferred themselves into my own life. I left Rachel a comment once about how after hearing a story of Hannah and her
"fruit salad" (Hannah loved B&BW and had to mix scents for her fruit salad aroma!) that I started to delight in that with Gracie.
Our best ritual is on Sunday morning when I'm getting ready for church, she gets her "poo-fume" on. It's this little sample of something I have, but she holds out both wrists and says "right-dare Mommy".
Reading through Rachel's pain of losing Hannah and her regrets of things left undone (even the simplest and smallest projects), I find myself wanting to delight in Gracie more. Reading books, singing silly songs, snuggling on the couch.

I'm sure it's hard to lose a child, young or older, but to be robbed of a child whose life seemed so short is heartbreaking. And losing Gracie in those few seconds it took me to find her almost sent me into cardiac arrest.



I am rambling, but the reason for this post tonight is because I saw a yellow butterfly again today. This is the second time this has happened, and after the first incident I emailed Rachel and told her how those gorgeous, solid yellow creatures made me think of Hannah. They just stood out, plain and simple, and as I've heard Rachel talk about Hannah and how she stood out with her views of the world and her love for absolutely everything.

It is not fair that Hannah was taken from her family so suddenly, at such a young age. And there is the fear that in her death, Hannah will be forgotten. Rachel if you are reading this, I can promise you that even in her death Hannah has lived on. Whether it is in the silly little moments you recount on your blog with her stories, or in the simple wonder of a little butterfly flittering about.